Category: Growth

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Black Sheep Can Upgrade To Spicy Unicorn: Embracing Your Unique Journey

Most of us are a wee bit odd, we roam to the beat of our own songs, some of our beats more distinct than others.  We may have given ourselves the “Black Sheep” label, it may have been an honorary title, it may have been given without permission.   It has happened, we have found ourselves here, not knowing what to do with our rank of oddity.  There are a number of options available to us, one is complain about the situation, blame “others” about the situation, avoid the situation, conform as best as possible, or embrace it (unless you are an asshole, then this advice sucks.)  Well it is not advice anyway, it is how I use my trauma recovery to guide me forward.  Sometimes I am a battle unicorn, who is effective, but very lonely, sometimes I am a community unicorn full of fun and support.   When I am in my full self, I am happy being all of my pieces.

Our unique sense of what is me, myself and I developed in relation to our early support systems.   Some support systems are equipped with love and secure boundaries that allow us to safely mature.  These are skills that kin groups learn and teach their children, who in turn, pass it on to theirs.  A better skill tool box than others.  Many families have instead generations of abuse, neglect, poverty.  The skills that are passed down in these kin groups are survival based.  Fight or flight all of the time, even when it is no longer a need, just a frustratingly tragic inheritance.

When we are blamed for problems in the family, we are taught that we bear responsibility for other people’s happiness.  We eat sins.  We look for ways to carry the weight of our people’s happiness.  Some of us devote our lives to achieving and improving, in the hopes to deserve affection.    Some of us give up, hide, wilt away, waiting for someone to seek us.  Some of us numb ourselves with addiction or distraction.  Some of us try it all.  Regardless of what we do, it is not until we give up responsibility for other’s happiness, that we can heal.

This usually occurs when we had uncommon life experiences when we were young.  Our perspective was shaped by something that most people outside our immediate family do not get to experience.   This can leave us feeling isolated, even within our family.   When this happens we can feel like

I have been the black sheep, I have had no choice, time and tide created the “other” in me.  These forces have created this in all of us.  Most of us eagerly share our unique selves with the world.  Some of us are weighed down by the fear of reaction to our “other,” encumbered by pain and uncertainty.  We make our way in the world carrying our burdens of judgement, we are exhausted and need support.  Nurturing and understanding all that makes us beautiful and messy allows us to heal the parts of us that were neglected, abused, and ignored. We need to look at our wounded parts with all of the love and attention that you give a tiny baby.

Achieving this upgrade requires courage and stamina.  It requires us to leave blame behind and step into the realm of self-compassion. Embracing our uniqueness means acknowledging that the path to healing involves understanding our individual narratives and rewriting the script with love and acceptance.

When we carry the “Black Sheep” or any other “othering” label, it’s an opportunity to redefine what that means to us. Instead of viewing it as a burden, we can see it as a badge of resilience, a testament to our ability to navigate through challenges that others might not comprehend.

Our unique experiences may have left us feeling isolated within our own families, but it’s crucial to recognize that we are not alone in this journey. Many others share similar struggles, and through connection and empathy, we can build a community that understands and supports one another.

As we embark on the path of healing, it’s essential to let go of the blame that may have been instilled in us. Blaming ourselves for the family problems or feeling responsible for others’ happiness only perpetuates the cycle of pain. True healing begins when we release those burdens and redirect our focus inward.

The process is not easy; it requires courage to confront the wounds, strength to carry the weight of our past, and resilience to face potential judgment from the world. Yet, in doing so, we unlock the door to self-discovery and the freedom to live authentically.

So, let us cast off the shackles of blame, embrace our uniqueness, and embark on the journey of self-love and understanding. For in doing so, we not only heal ourselves but also contribute to the healing of those around us. We become the architects of our own narratives, forging a path that celebrates the beauty in our imperfections and the strength in our authenticity.

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Perspective

My old neighbourhood

When I was sixteen years old my mother informed me that she was taking me out of school to give me an education.  What she meant by this was that I was going to miss two weeks of my first term of grade eleven because we were going to South East Asia.   It was the 1980’s so we did not have web browsers and social media, there was no way to casually meet people from other countries. I was a kid from rural Nova Scotia my comprehension of the world was limited.  

Our itinerary was 3 days in Hong Kong, then flying to Thailand and spending 3 days (nights) in Bangkok and finally 3 days in Pattaya, a beach resort about a hundred kilometers to the south east.   It took absolutely no persuading for me to leave school, I did not actually spend that much time there while I was in the country. I am not proud of that fact but it is the truth. Flying time, not including layovers, was twenty hours or so.  This was brutal on me, my body does not like to travel, by the time we made it to Hong Kong my feet were so swollen they were bulging out of my shoes.

To this day I do not let being sick keep me from experiencing all that I can, I am not sure if I would recommend this, but again this is not about judging my day to day life choices.  We saw as much of the area around Hong Kong as we could get to within our three days. This included a tour of Guangzhou on mainland China. I remember a pretty hardcore open market and school kids singing, the way everywhere around the world gets school kids to sing even here.  There was also a temple and a zoo with a panda. I remember shopping in Macau on another day and purchasing my first black market goods, “A Salt with a Deadly Pepa” and “Tiffany”, cassettes that would travel with me for decades to come.

I remember being in Bangkok, but by then I was very sick, so I did not see as much here.  I did have the honour of seeing the royal temple and then I do not really remember much after that until we got to Pattaya.  Overwhelming poverty was everywhere, I had never experienced anything like it before. I was still too sick to leave the hotel most days, but I could lie by the pool, and by the last day I felt a bit better so that evening I ate at a bar down the street.  I have a few vague memories about this place, but they are mixed up in stories from earlier dinners that I was not there for. I do have one memory that I know is all mine. It was the conversation that gave me the education that my mother had brought me to Asia for.

My hubby and I when we were dating back in 1988

I hate to generalize about people, but the people of Thailand are overwhelmingly blessed with a youthful beauty. Many people often mistook my baby-faced sixteen year old self to be a grown woman.  I say this because it makes it difficult to guess how old our server was that evening. My gut tells me that she was under twenty-five and she could easily have been younger than me. Many young girls worked in the bars around Pattaya.  Rural families facing starvation sold their daughters to businesses in the towns and cities. We were warned about human traffickers working the beach and for me not to go there by myself.

I am going to call my friend that evening Kouru.  This is not her real name, it means lotus which describes her spirit.  She also grew through a lot of darkness and still exuded a warm beauty.  I do not remember much of what we said that evening, but I remember she asked me what I was going to do when I grew up.  I believe at the time my plan was to be a marine biologist.

It was the first time I was having a conversation with someone who was my gender, around my age, and from an entirely different culture.  We were chatting like school friends and then she asked the question. It was the first time I realized just how incredibly lucky I am to have been born a Canadian citizen with all of the advantage that comes with.  She asked my plans and the mask of vacation disappeared. I saw them emerge in my mind. The number of possible futures the 16 year old me had in front of her in that moment in time felt infinite.

My imagination showed me all of the gifts and privilege that I had been born into.  Kouru could see on my face how insecure I was sharing my reality with her. She asked me to tell her, she asked as if I was reading a her a Hugo novel.  Kouru was an adventure seeker, she wanted to see what I was seeing so I told her about being able to do anything that I wanted to do. I told her about being able to go to university, and the paths that opened for me.  This was not something that was available to most women in the world in the 1980’s. A look crossed her face, a look of such beautiful warmth, she was genuinely happy that one of us could go on this adventure. She seemed so authentically grateful that I had these gifts, it hit me like a punch.  

Pattaya

I understood that Kouru would not only never go to university, she was unlikely to have had highschool or earlier grades.  Women who were sold to the bars worked in the sex industry. Some were enslaved, some were not, and I do not know her story. People still go to Thailand for the sex trade; at that time it had many very dark corners and I am sure they are still there.  

My new friend most likely had a very difficult life ahead of her, and I had infinite possibilities.  The randomness of fate along with its cruelties seemed infinite as well. I could not bring Kouru along on my journey with me physically, but today if I need to know something whether something is possible her spirit still lends me her perspective on my options.  

I hope fate had a kinder life for Kouru than I imagined.  I know that things have changed in Thailand and that women’s roles are evolving the way that they are here.  

The education that I received on that vacation has been the most profound of my life.  I live where I have access to almost limitless resources. My access to these resources is limited by my imagination.   I had the veil of privilege removed for a moment so that I could see all of the treasure that stands before me, not just an education but a gift.

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Writing to meditate and heal

I read a beautiful book I once named “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron.  She introduced me to the practice of morning pages.  Writing three pages each morning started as just something new to try.  It began so long ago now that I have forgotten my motivation.  It would take me hours, struggling to make the words flow out of my fingers onto the page.  Most of the time it was pages of the silliest mundane drivel, anything to reach my goal.

That drivel was probably the most important stuff that I ever wrote.  Having a learning disability that makes it difficult to spell, I have always felt a lot of shame around my writing.   These morning pages were the first time I made myself use my voice in a way that was  allowed to be, and meant to be imperfect.  The goal was not to write anything in particular, what mattered was writing three pages.  What ended up happening was my first experience of listening to myself and the inner dialogue that was creating the world I lived in.

There are lies that we tell ourselves all the time: I can’t cook, I am not prepared enough, there is not enough time.  In the background noise of my pages I write down my lies.  They usually come out as blame, creating problems and self doubt.  When I see the lies on the page in front of me a different part of my brain takes over and solves, works around or flat out dismisses them.

My journey of recovery started with those first pages.  I have learned to use meditation as my daily tool for connecting my internal chorus to my awareness, but I would not have known that was possible without those pages.  If you are looking for a place to start, and especially if you have no access to professional help, try morning pages.  Three pages written everyday (within reason, some is better than none) for at least a month, looseleaf size, single spaced.  It is tough and time consuming, and so is everything else that is worth doing.  You deserve to listen to your own story. You are worth it.

 

 

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Finding peace and love in anger

I don’t have a choice but to be angry.  I have tried to quell, shove down, just flat-out deny feelings of rage and disappointment for as long as I can remember.  I was raised by angry people who believe our strength and protection comes from the armour of anger that we wear. I build my terracotta warriors, to hide the pink fleshy bits that are so vulnerable and imperfect.  Ashamed and unaccepting of my true self, I hide it away. I am afraid to see my true reflection, see others reactions to my true hideous nature. My anger is a reaction to powerlessness and the crippling reality of our flawed human nature and the limited experience of a short life.  

 

I have spent years searching for tools to rid myself of all of the excess pain that I created not loving myself.  At first I felt it would go away, if I put it on someone else. I blamed people for their roles in my pain. Even if they wanted to, they would have been unable to take the pain.  It was mine, I had to own it, feel it, learn to love it, care for it, and most importantly honour it. No one controls the times and moods of the universe, my journey has taught me to be a good navigator of all types of storms.  My pain has made me a better person.

 

So how do I learn to love and care for my anger?  I do not know how to pity anger, the way I do pain.  I keep asking the universe this question, this is what I have gotten back so far.  I need to listen to my anger because it tells me when something is wrong. It is my alert system.  It also gives me passion to fight. I was taught long ago that our actions are fueled by one of two energies, love or fear.  We can be angry from a place of love, we just can not act from fear, and expect love in return.

 

When we are angry at the world, when we are looking for a place to put our blame, we are sitting here howling at the moon.  Our actions are our experience, howling feels really good, spewing more negative into the universe does not, however, appear to be helping.  It just divides us further.

 

How can we move away from being powered by fear, and move into love?  That is the question of our time, and there is no one answer, and no right answer.  I focus on activism. I have a dream of a place where anyone can come to find and build community.  I live in a area that excels in community building, and they are teaching me how to build my dream. I am no longer waiting for someone to tell me it is okay to change my world.  For me it is not about the end result, it is about the trying.

 

Painting may work better for you, or writing.  Find something creative for that energy. We can use our anger to express ourselves creatively, to build, to solve, to try, to love.  We may never be able to fix what as angered us, we can heal by moving forward with compassion and intent.

  

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Journeys

Our journey with mental health and wellness is unique for each of us.   We evolve through our life and have reached this moment; it is from here we approach the endless possibilities that makes up the future. 

Spending time in the forests where I grew up, horseback riding, fishing,  my favorite memories are of my friends and I exploring.   There is light and beauty, darkness and mystery, and a constant cycle of  joy and sorrow in nature.   It has mysteries that beg me to search for answers.

Our journey through life has the same qualities.  In every life there are bright beautiful times, dark places that scare us,  hope,  joy, grief, pain, this world leaves none of us untouched.   

For some the path is clear, for some the endlessness of choice makes it almost impossible to move.  Some have been injured, some have had all the support the world can offer.   We are alone in our uniqueness,  yet this loneliness unites us all. 

A journey with mental health and wellness has obstacles; but it’s a beautiful place and the air has a magical quality.  Every choice we make on this path leads us in a different direction.  We learn to make our choices with love and wisdom, and create the power to guide our experience.  

 SO

 

 

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Building Our Scaffolding

We have relied on billions of people over time to create the technology and compile the information for us to be in this place and this time.  

The tools that we have to sculpt our lives and share our experiences are profoundly powerful. Still, we need the support of people and institutions as scaffolding, to build breathtaking works of life.  

We are interlaced, our future depends on supporting each other.

Support is being accepted for who you are, by people who believe that you are the most qualified person to make decisions about your life.  

Support does not create change, it can only allow room for it.

We need those people.

We need to be those people.

We must understand that we are our foundation for everything. We can not find ourselves in others’ eyes or in far away places.  

We must accept ourselves as and where we are.

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What Yin Yoga taught me about goal setting.

There’s a practice in yoga called yin,  for those unfamiliar with it, it is what I remember as  yoga from my childhood in the 70s. We get in poses that stretch our body and we stay there from three to five minutes.  The point of the exercise is to let our joints, tendons and fascia tissue relax and stretch creating flexibility.   We who have had the experience of sitting uncomfortably for any length of time will be able to attest to the human’s ability to  not notice discomfort initially. As time wears on, our foot may become numb or our knee strained, it becomes harder and harder to sit still.   So when we practice Yin, we keep that in mind and we seek our edge. Our edge is not the farthest we can go,  it is enough that we feel sensation and still maintain the pose for an extended period of time.   Through the practice our edge may change, we might be able to go a little deeper into the pose we may need to pull back.

Creating wellness requires us to look at the changes we need to make as Yin poses, rather than s.m.a.r.t. (specific, attainable, measurable, realistic, timely) goals.  It is tempting to get fixated on numbers whether they be zeros in a bank account, or numbers on a scale. Living is a process that does not end when we reach our savings goal or ideal weight.  The goal is to make maintainable changes; those changes create wellness. It is effective to use minimums as achievement  standards. Now my minimum for yoga is three times a week, when I began it was one.   

The reality is that changing habits and building mental wellness requires a number of different tactics motivations and work styles.   I loved taking summer courses in university.  The fast pace in the immersion in to the material was ideal for the way that I  learn.   I like feeling I am swimming in  the subject when I’m learning about something new. If it is a subject that I am not interested in however,  I  need to learn in small chunks and then take time to process.

In our endeavor to find best practices is important to keep in mind that any best practice won’t be best for every situation.    

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Current Event Anxiety “How do I fix all the problems of the world?”

Current events are waves crashing on the shore.  They are not being born, they are finishing their journey.   Waves are born long before they hit the shore. They also do not remain with the chaos that they brought.  They come, they make their changes, and then they vanish into the vast ocean to bring life to the next one.

While  working with a client this week about anxiety around current events,  I have tried to come up with an analogy that is uncomplicated. This has proven difficult since the issues surrounding us are incredibly complicated.  Very few of us limit media, including social, and news, leaving us consuming unfiltered amounts of global suffering. Every moment and event happening in the world today is its own little whitecap.  Creating, as it crashes, its own beautiful or not so beautiful chaos.

The things that are going on around us at this very moment are the results of all of the ripples in time.  The results of all the events through time interacting with each other, constantly creating breakers, cascades of new beginnings.   Hurtling through the universe, on a rock that can wipe us all out with one big burp we, at sometime, realize how small and fragile we are.  How we feel about this information will be complicated and different for each of us. Some of us will despair for our lack of control, some of us will feel relief for our lack of ownership.  We may choose to endeavor to find what we are responsible for, we may proclaim the futility of it all. How we choose to feel, to act, to react, to all that is outside of your control, greatly determines how we experience the chaos of the universe.  

I have chosen to try, as much as a person can, to enjoy the waves. Sometimes it is a lot easier than others, thankfully I have a tribe who lets me be myself.   We may not agree with each other in all things, but we believe in each other, offer support in both attempting new things in the world, and providing a safe place to land when things are rough.  We need it all to have a full and rich life.

This is your journey, your ship, you are the captain of your life, set your course and ride your waves.