I read a beautiful book I once named “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. She introduced me to the practice of morning pages. Writing three pages each morning started as just something new to try. It began so long ago now that I have forgotten my motivation. It would take me hours, struggling to make the words flow out of my fingers onto the page. Most of the time it was pages of the silliest mundane drivel, anything to reach my goal.
That drivel was probably the most important stuff that I ever wrote. Having a learning disability that makes it difficult to spell, I have always felt a lot of shame around my writing. These morning pages were the first time I made myself use my voice in a way that was allowed to be, and meant to be imperfect. The goal was not to write anything in particular, what mattered was writing three pages. What ended up happening was my first experience of listening to myself and the inner dialogue that was creating the world I lived in.
There are lies that we tell ourselves all the time: I can’t cook, I am not prepared enough, there is not enough time. In the background noise of my pages I write down my lies. They usually come out as blame, creating problems and self doubt. When I see the lies on the page in front of me a different part of my brain takes over and solves, works around or flat out dismisses them.
My journey of recovery started with those first pages. I have learned to use meditation as my daily tool for connecting my internal chorus to my awareness, but I would not have known that was possible without those pages. If you are looking for a place to start, and especially if you have no access to professional help, try morning pages. Three pages written everyday (within reason, some is better than none) for at least a month, looseleaf size, single spaced. It is tough and time consuming, and so is everything else that is worth doing. You deserve to listen to your own story. You are worth it.